Tuesday, January 29, 2008

No Whammies

I'm sorry for my long absence. The obligatory apology for blog decline for those who were tuning in. I'm not really sure what's going on. Lack of focus in part I guess.
Also, my family life (read: mom, dad, sister, me) is a game of "No Whammies!" lately.
My mom has had two cardiac events in the last couple of months and then just this past Sunday I got a call that she had been in a car accident.
My sister and I need desperately to get to a lawyer and get power of attorney changed to us if my mom goes before my dad. As the paperwork stands now, it goes to my Alzheimer's spend-a-holic dad, who has NO business near a check-book or managing affairs.
I'm not sleeping much. I wake up every night at 4:30 and spend the next agonizing hour and a half thinking every shameful, irresponsible, fearful, neglectful, dreadful thought imaginable and then nod off exhausted again at 6:00, only to have to get up at 8:00 for work.
I'm fixated lately on mortality. I guess I've always had an obsession with the passage of time and memory, but now that I'm 40, it seems to have gotten more urgent.
Time is flying and it's only a cough and a hiccup to 50 and then 60 etc...
I guess this is what a mid-life crises is comprised of?
I'm luckier than most in that I have both my parents in my life still and in relatively good health.
I'm afraid of my responsibilities in all honesty.
My husband and I are prepared to move in over at my parent's house if my mom is incapacitated or dies. We will take care of my dad until we need a nursing home to take over.
That terrifies me. I'm up for it, but it will be very hard.
It's all hard.
Lots to think about.
And tomorrow I have a breast ultrasound to check out a new lump. The other lump has been established as an innocent fibrous dealy, but my birthmom has just come out of a breast cancer bout and I just anticipate that I'm going to have to deal with my own scare at some point.
I need some sleep drugs.

I will end this by reiterating that my life is GOOD. I am HAPPY. Really. Very much so.
As I type, my husband is finishing up a pot of homemade chili and some cornbread (my mom's recipe that he miraculously perfected after just one viewing).
I've cut back to four days a week. My home business is doing well.
I'm having a good time, yo.

I've just hit that part of life when I'm a bad phone call away from drastic changes in my established routine. I'm on edge for sure.


Anonymous said...

I'm in the same spot myself (I'm 42)! Sorry to hear about your anxieties. Insomnia has recently kicked in with me.

Appalachian Feminist Breeder said...

Best of thoughts and vibes sent from me to you.

firstimpressionist said...

thanks guys!

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